Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
