Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
