is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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