i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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