you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Randomize
