i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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