So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
