and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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