Can Purell be used as lube?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
