She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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