I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
