Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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