youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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