Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
