cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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