I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
