I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
