pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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