I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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