Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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