I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
