when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize