There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
