someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
