Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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