i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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