I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
