4 words: hood of his car
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
