Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
