Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
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You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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