He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
