and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
