theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
