i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
