apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
