It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
