News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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