I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
