shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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