sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
