If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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