I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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