how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
