i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
