Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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