i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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