This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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