So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
