Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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