Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
