Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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