Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
