...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
whose parrot is this?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
