remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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