Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
3 2 1 whiskey
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
