There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
