also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
