i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
